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Oct. 6th, 2007

I'm telling you right now (as I have before) that I SUCK at reading entries. I really enjoy journaling here but I get so distracted and bored by staring at the computer screen reading for long periods of time. My nasty post earlier was an attempt to get people off my list by my bad attitude so I wouldn't feel obligated to read their entries. How dramatically juvenile of me. => I'd claim insanity but I don't want to live in a nut house. Those pecans are bullies!

I feel sorry for Britney Spears. There....I said it. She's made some FUCKED up choices in her life, who the hell hasn't, but damn....it has to be difficult living in the spotlight all the time. If any one of us was in the spotlight you'd bet we'd all make it on some nasty tabloid blurb page. I just hope she concentrates on getting better and finds what she needs to strengthen her resolve. The funny thing is I never much cared for her until she started having troubles...then she seemed more human. Silly.

I hate cramps. Yeah ok that's what just came to mind so I said it. My period started today which sucks monster donkey butts though I am forever thankful for Pamprin. I shall bow before the almighty Pamprin and tout my love and thankfulness. Enough of that. You know what else I like aside from Baby Powder and Pamprin? Celexa. I'm a happier person. Now I get just mad like NORMAL people instead of going into to fits of rage where I lose all logical sense. Until I started taking Celexa I didn't realize just how angry I was every second of the day. Ok maybe not every second but damn near every ten minutes which is way too much. Do you think certain foods prompt anger like certain foods promote ADHD in some kids? Oh and have you heard about Autism possibly linked to food allergies? I want to get Jenny McCarthy's book about her son and read more about that.

Books to get:

The next book after Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews. Silly me I had no idea it was part of a series! It's the second in the series and I read the first, now I must get the third after Flowers in the Attic. I have the fourth one now but I believe there are five in total. Anyone read the whole series?

Jenny McCarthy's book about her son's Autism

A money management book by Dave Ramsey. He's on talk radio if you don't know and while he's a religious fellow (I am not) I think he has some good insights into money management plans.

Oh....got a new cat. Pictures later.

I'm a shit head for not getting your pictures done to those I said I would. I've not done much drawing since I started my job, which I knew would happen. I'm developing a new love for markers though so who knows what I'll come up with. Sorry for not coming through on the pictures. I'm a forgetful, self-defeating twat sometimes.
Do you know what sucks the most about being fat? Heat rash. If I were any fatter I'd have to buy stock in Baby Powder.

I don't know what I want to talk about....maybe I'll just ramble.

Pickles....ok pickles came to mind. Vlasic stackers are awesome! I just had some for the first time and lookie there...she complains about being fat but segues right into a blurb on food. *yawn*

Life is boring right now. Some days I'm not too sure I want any excitement and then others I'm so damn bored.

Well this really is a pathetically boring post. Time to go play a game.

Sep. 29th, 2007

I miss LJ memes. You can blame this one on Kynder. I always mispell her LJ handle so fuck it I'm taking the easier road. =>

1. I've come to realize that, my ex is:
someone I wish I'd stayed friends with because he truly was a good guy and while I wasn't really attracted to him physically I was attracted to him mentally.

2. I've come to realize that, I talk :
like a complete and total ditz at time but hate being made fun of by anyone.

3. I've come to realize that, I love :
Tom more than I've loved anyone. I love him so much that if we just became friends I would still be very happy because he's made such a huge impression on my life.

4. I've come to realize that, I have:
only myself to blame for things I struggle with in my life.

5. I've come to realize that, I lost :
the notion that I have to be nice to everyone....even if they're not nice to me.

6. I've come to realize that, I hate it when :
people vomit their rudeness during the 'Christmas Season'.

7. I've come to realize that, number 7 was missing from Disha's list and that I didn't type that.

8. I've come to realize that, Marriage is :
A lost art.

9. I've come to realize that, Somewhere, someone is thinking :
that that pickle never should have been put there.

10. I've come to realize that, I'll always be :
boring yet bizarre.

11. I've come to realize that, I have a crush on :
Sarah Silverman.

12. I've come to realize that, The last time I cried was :
the other night I awoke at the apex of a nasty car crash and felt that was how I would die.

13. I've come to realize that, My cell phone:
hasn't been invented yet.

14. I've come to realize that, When I wake up in the morning:
I hate not getting to put on jeans if it's a workday.

15. I've come to realize that, Before I go to sleep at night I:
need to put on Certain Dri antiperspirant to shrink the sweat glands in my pits.

16. I've come to realize that, Right now I am thinking about :
how my bladder is filling with pee pee but I want to finish this meme before I release it's contents forever.

17. I've come to realize that, Babies are :
something I want so badly it hurts but at other times I'm thankful for my freedom.

18. I've come to realize that, I get on myspace :
because I've had a moment of fucking retarded thinking.

19. I've come to realize that, Today:
is going to be full of painting my house.

20. I've come to realize that, Tonight I will :
get stoned, watch a good movie and enjoy the company of my wonderful, sexy, hippie looking boyfriend.

21. I've come to realize that, Tomorrow I will :
go in to work for a few hours to get caught up on inventory auditing. I fucking love my job...no sarcasm whatsoever. I seriously LOVE it.

22. I've come to realize that, I really want to:
be comfortable being myself.

23. I've come to realize that, The person who is most likely to do this:
already has done it.

Sep. 29th, 2007

Yeah here I am again. The words have grown a hold of me like the spirit has invaded the soul of a bona fide preacher-man. A M E N ! Yes sir, Jesus, we is all about you. We is doing your biding Jesus sur!

Anyone have a Kleenex? I just blew snot on the baby Jesus and he's cranky. Who's already pictured me burning in hell? You make me giggle.

Man I'm a bitch today. What the fuck blew up her knickers? Knickers sounds like niggers, doesn't it? Knickers. Niggers. Knickers. Niggers. Look at those words and hear those words, without being caught up in their definitions. They are fun words to say. Retarded. Knickers. Niggers. Niggers wear Retarded Knickers. Retarded Niggers wear Knickers. Knickers are Retarded looking on Niggers. Words are fun. It's the definitions that fuck people up. Why hold ourselves hostage to symbols forming words that we've destroyed with negative definitions? You have a prison full of iron bars made up of words. You just appear safer because words look more fragile than real iron bars. That being said I will never go up to a black person and address them as a Nigger. It's rude. It's horribly insulting. Why the FUCK do they get to use it though? You give a measly word such an insulting fucking definition that you use it as bars for people you don't want to try to like. You'd rather feel like you have some semblance of an upper hand although you'd rather not have to do a goddamn thing to actually earn a fucking upper hand. Get off welfare, get off the streets....use the brains and talents that any number of a fictional God has given you or that you are naturally BORN with and claim your rights to be treated as a human race with all the other races that are struggling EVEN THE white race. We are all fucked up for different reasons but we are so goddamn set on pointing out fingers and re-addressing the blame to someone else so we don't have to work on a goddamn thing ourselves. What the fuck.

Stand up people. Not as your duty to be an American. Not as your duty to be human. As your duty to be that tiny speck in the great scheme of things that has to move that has to co-exist that has to be. Just be, let everyone else be who they are so long as they don't cause harm. Have respect, but be honest. How can that be a wrong road? There are a numerous amount of things that piss me off about....everything, but I'll always listen to their argument. I'll be generous enough to give it a go at understanding, but do not deny me the same respect. Do not force your views on me and I'll not force them on you. Let us be. Let us understand.

There was a saying in the 70's that said something like Tune In Turn On and Drop Out. Don't drop out....that's where they went wrong. Tune In Turn On Focus.

You may think me a silly girl. I may think you a silly bar of words.

Sep. 29th, 2007

I want to go on a haunted hay ride. I love being safely scared out of my mind. I love the thrill of impending danger that I know won't cause me physical discomfort. Halloween is my favorite holiday.

I'm going as a escaped patient from an insane asylum. If I get the costume cool enough I'll be taking and posting a picture or two. I want to see what you are going to wear for Halloween too. Want to know my lamest Halloween costume ever? I mean.....it was seriously lame. When I was about 13y/o (oh yeah, this bitch trick of treated way too long but fuck it....free candy was to be HAD!) I went out TWICE that year. Yep. I can't remember my first outfit...I think I was a rock and roll chick. My friend and I went back to my house and decided to change costumes and go out and get more candy. So my makeshift second costume was of a fat salesman. I was lucky in that my Dad was fat and thus his clothes provided ample room for pillows between their barrier and my smaller frame. I put on a fake beard, hat, white shirt and blue jogging pants. It was obvious I was not your typical professional salesman. I then proceeded to the nearest houses asking them for their candy to market my new chocolate diet I was going to start selling. I got a lot of 'oh you poor lame child' looks. It was lame, but in it's lameness it made me laugh my ass off when I proclaimed to be working on a chocolate diet. I was a child adopting a very lame adults sense of humor. It tickles me to this day that I thought I was brilliant and funny.

Who knows reflexive arcade?

Sep. 29th, 2007

So I'm here once again. An attempt to let any curious to know that I am still on this big ball of rock. I'm feeling quite introspective at the moment and perhaps that is what's gotten my fingers into motion after so long an absence. Do people even really care that I'm gone? How personal can the internet really be? Is it false to personalize a fictional character on the other end of what you assume is a computer monitor? A vision you build up in your head like a character on your favorite cartoon or melodrama? Who truly is real on the internet?

I am admittedly, well now I am at least, an admittedly self-fish person. I like the opportunity to put my words out into the world in a way that makes me feel much more comfortable, more secure. I'm not a popular person. I'm not one that commands very much focus. But for a few moments I have my corner of spotlight. I have my section of an electronified society. I am you, you are me. Yet.....we're individuals. I'm grinning right now at my words of exaggerated personal understanding. Are my thoughts odd? Is my self-fishiness more a sickness than honest?

I love taking out a few moments to type what's inside my head, although for your benefit I rarely go very deep. In fact, I dislike people knowing my depths of personality are and how they make me feel. I'm no pedophile, no serial killer, no hoodlum set out to cause some rickety racket. I'm just a highly critical, self-fish person who never wants to ruffle a person's feathers but is growing weary of silence.

I hate the telephone and it's fake closeness. I hate hearing the cover-up tones in people's voices. People are so afraid of rudeness. Don't be crass, show respect. Don't sound sad, be happy for them. You can't completely cover up the sound of utter disinterest. I think that's why a lot of people love the internet so much. It's easier to fake a better life in a small story of your own words, you the only validation you exist. How many have pretended lies? How many people have escaped into their monitors never to return?

Well I am real. I'm a real person with humongous anxieties about little things to large things. I worry the sun will explode the Earth. I worry the Earth itself will spontaneously combust. I worry Mimi is way too thin and if she became ill does not look like she could withstand the war on her insides. I worry that once again I'll become so disinterested in my own life that I'll stand up and walk out on it....again. Do I have the cahonnes to start over another time? Is there a certain thrill?

I am a beast of exaggeration and know that right now, at least one of you reading this is incredibly confused and perhaps bordering unnecessary worry in your own right.

Why does Firefox think combust is not a word? That worries me.

I'm only interested in bettering myself rather than reading about how you're trying to better yourselves. That was incredibly rude. That was incredibly self-fish. I apologize to you for the insult you must feel, but at the same time it's so embarrassingly true.

I don't hate anyone. I don't think anyone is less or more important than me. I'm just a girl in a world of self-involvement. I completely understand your wish to exit quietly throw your delete button. It's easier to leave people you only know through a box....miles and miles away. =) I understand. I wish you a more than fine life. I would be honored to read your pissed off thoughts in a comment telling me to fuck off and what a fucked up crazy bitch type comments. I am a fucked up crazy bitch. I do have some prejudices. That doesn't mean I want people hurt or treated badly it just means you know.....I hate some people out there. It's ok....or is it? I think all hate should be limited, but discussed like adults. Don't hate me for hating you, just hate me. I won't hate you for hating me for me, but not for my hate.

What a bizarre turn my life is taking. True honesty. Much more refreshing to me than to you. I'm curious to see who is on the same plane and will it lead to greater understanding or misguided retardedness? Retarded....a fun word to say, but lacking a fun definition.

Goodbye to those you find me too fucking weird or bizarre or misguided, and hello to those who want to join me in figuring it out because sometimes life opens some pretty cool motherfuckin doors.

I blame it on Sarah Silverman. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Net Neutrality

A very important article to read about....Net Neutrality.
I'm not a big follower of Jennifer Lopez or Ja Rule....but I LOVE this song and the video.



I've done some cuts to my friend's list. With this new job (hopefully will become permanent, looks real good) I just don't have much time to read and I hate getting behind on LJs. Staring at a computer screen after work when I've done it all day is not high on my list. I ask that you don't be upset if you're someone who was been cut as it's nothing personal whatsoever, we probably never really talked much anyway.


The eyes
Syntax Error

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